Sunday, May 10, 2015

Mother's Day 2015

Mother's day was never a huge deal to my mom. She wasn't big on what she perceived as forced celebrations. We always tried to do something with her though. A small gift, maybe lunch or dinner together. Maybe just some flowers and hanging out with her at home for a few hours.

This Mother's day will be the third Mother's day I have spent without my mom. She passed away on February 1, 2013. I spent that first mother's day without her crying in my bedroom, holding my 2 month old newborn in my arms. I don't even remember what I did for mother's day last year. This year, I feel a little less angsty about it. This year I am going to try and focus on me being a mom, rather than the fact that I don't have one.

After watching the news practically screaming at me, "Call your mom!" "What will you get your mom?" "Celebrate your mom!", I kind of felt like I wanted nothing to do with it. I turned the channel every time anything about Mother's day came on. I don't want to see it. I don't want to hear it. But I sometimes forget that I am a mom. That Mother's day is, I guess, for me as well.

My boys, 5 and 2 respectively, have no real concept yet of Mother's day celebrations. All I want to do this year is spend the day with them and their dad. Looking at their beautiful, inquisitive faces, hearing them exclaim at the wonder they discover in the world around them, and feel their tiny little hands reach for mine as we walk, comforted in that small gesture that I will protect them from harm.

I love being a mother. Sure, there are tough times. But nothing I cannot handle. I only have 2. And despite my reluctance to make a 100% decision on it, I do believe 2 is enough for me. Sometimes I feel like that balance of giving of myself as a mother and wife and leaving something left over for me is scaled heavily towards the former. I can only imagine the imbalance that I would have with more children.

My mom, Janet Marie Woodard Rollstin, 1968

“The amount that she loved us was beyond her reach. It could not be quantified or contained. It was the ten thousand named things in the Tao Te Ching’s universe and then ten thousand more. Her love was full-throated and all-encompassing and unadorned. Every day she blew through her entire reserve.” 

As much as my mother loved all her children, having 5 (5!!) kids wore her down. It was emotionally hard, physically hard, and financially hard. I have no interest in reliving that. So when I get that maternal ache, yes, it is an ache, to add another little cuddly new born in my arms and hold her (Oh to have a her!) to my breast, I have to remember to do what is best for me and my family. And I think 2 is just right. Besides, I have a strong suspicion that if I tried for a girl, I'd end up with 12 boys.

I adore my two little boys. I hope as they grow, they are healthy and adventurous and kind and compassionate and loving and humorous and empathetic...and, well, happy. And I hope they always love their mama. <3

So Happy Mother's day...even if your mama is no longer here.